Resources:

 Bipolar Disorder:

Local support groups for patients and significant others, education, advocacy: NAMI

Online support groups, education, advocacy: DBSA

Conferences, advocacy help getting on disability: ISBD

Education on bipolar spectrum, resources: Psych Education

The Bipolar Workbook: Tools for Controlling Your Mood Swings by Monica Ramirez Basco

The Bipolar Handbook: Real Life Questions with Up to Date Answers by Wes Burgess

How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me: One Person's Guide to Suicide Prevention by Susan Rose Blauner

Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder: Understanding and Helping Your Partner by John T Preston

 Articles by Rebecca Lomeland:

How to Overcome Social Isolation

PTSD: How the Church Can and Needs to Respond with Hope and Healing

Eight overlooked signs of abuse in teen dating relationships

Did you know that 1 in 3 youth experience abuse by a dating partner during their teen years? This can have a lasting, harmful impact, but how do you clearly spot warning signs?

First, it’s important to realize that abuse not a black and white issue but follows a spectrum from mild to severe. Red flags such as severe anger outbursts might not show up right away, if ever. White flags may slowly change to light pink (e.g., hard pinch) to mauve (e.g., belittling comments), which can create uncertainty, especially when mixed in with other positive moments. But if something feels off and follows a pattern, it’s time to lean in and pay attention.

Here are some signs that could indicate abuse in a dating relationship:

1.     Love bombing: You’re swept off your feet by profuse displays of generosity and romance and feel rushed toward quick involvement.

2.     Jealousy: Your partner gets possessive while masking it as overprotectiveness or concern.

3.     Checking your devices or tracking you: often justified as keeping a no-secrets policy, this overrides healthy dialogue and violates trust.

4.     Disregarding your needs and feelings: things turn one sided and you start losing yourself to cater to your partner’s demands.

5.     Second-guessing yourself: your perspective gets repeatedly invalidated and you often feel confused or crazy.

6.     Social isolation: your partner comes up with reasons why you should not be engaging with certain loved ones which feels socially restricting.

7.     Feeling on edge: you no longer look forward to seeing your partner and you find yourself walking on eggshells.

8.     Diminishing self-worth: over time you love yourself less and less because you’ve been gradually torn down by your partner.

If any of these resonate and you would like more education, check out this resource for youth age 13-26, www.loveisrespect.org. If you or your teen need more personalized assistance navigating a tricky relationship, reach out to me today.

Help! I’m struggling with loneliness                                                                  

               Many of my clients have been telling me how lonely they still are, even though the covid emergency has been lifted. Research by www.rootsofloneliness.com reveals that we are a lonely society: 21% of Americans reported feeling lonely pre-pandemic, which climbed to 58% during the pandemic. The US surgeon general recently declared loneliness an epidemic, citing a negative health impact equivalent to smoking 15 cigarettes a day, according to the US Dept of Health and Human Services.

               What doesn’t help is that our PNW culture perpetuates the problem by encouraging us to wear independence like a badge of honor. Yet this runs contrary to our design as human beings. Modern psychological research has discovered that we have another branch of our nervous system called the social engagement nervous system. It’s a real thing. We are biologically hardwired for relationships and cannot thrive without them.

In addition to the task force recently launched to create infrastructure to combat the loneliness crisis, here are some things you can do:

1.      Assume that people around you are likely feeling just as lonely but may be hesitant like you to reach out. Making the first step can bridge the gap.

2.      In your efforts, act as if at least one person will like and connect with you. This will help you carry yourself in a friendlier way, which in turn will make you likeable.

3.      Put your device down and meet in person. It’s more organic and conducive to connection. Better yet, arrange regular individual get-togethers and initiate or join an organized group. 

4.      Be willing to be vulnerable and put yourself out there. It’s a necessary part of building relationships, and according to psychologist Brene Brown, is the one factor above things like looks or personality that distinguishes those who have satisfying relationships versus those who don’t.

If you need more personalized guidance to help overcome loneliness in your life, consider booking a session so we can get you on your way to enjoying the meaningful relationships you long for.

Domestic violence: Busting stereotypes and raising awareness

October is national Domestic Violence Awareness month. You may be thinking, “This doesn’t exist in my community, next...” But what if I told you that according to the National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence survey (2022), nearly 1 in 2 women and over 2 in 5 men reported experiencing contact sexual violence, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner at some point in their lifetime?

As a counselor who works with survivors, I find that non-contact types of abuse (e.g., emotional, psychological, spiritual, financial, social isolation, legal) tend to precipitate contact violence, occur more frequently, and cause the most damage, but get overlooked or minimized because they don’t leave marks.

Aside from how domestic violence may be expressed, we must first understand its definition, which is a pattern of power and control exerted over an intimate partner. It flows out of a mindset that is steeped in entitlement and scarcity. In this relationship economy, there are either victims or Vikings, and abusers in their insecurity will forcefully scramble to get what they presume is only so much power, success, and goods to go around in the relationship. In contrast, a healthy relationship assumes a mindset of mutuality and abundance, where both partners are equally important and there’s room enough for the needs of both to be met.

What makes it so tricky to detect is that abusers tend to be calculated at keeping abuse behind closed doors while working hard at impression management in public. This should make us doubt common stereotypes, like domestic violence exists in ghettos where batterers are loud-mouthed, angry, and beat their partner, who is often depicted as poor, uneducated, and young. Yet domestic violence knows no religious, SES, gender, age, or ethnic bounds. I often hear stories of pastors, top corporate leaders, and nice neighbors who seem upstanding in the community but torment their partners at home, many of whom are strong, empathetic, and reputable.

Another thing that makes abuse hard to detect is that it is on a spectrum from mild to severe. Those “red flags” once started out as white, then turned to light pink, then to mauve, then to red: think boiling frog syndrome. This can create confusion for victims who struggle making sense of the insidious progression over time, especially when they are often falsely accused of the very abuse inflicted on them, then made to believe they’re crazy. They’re also told no one will believe them. After all, abusers ensure they look calm and collected while victims in their duress look like a hot mess and may have even reacted to the abuse in ways that made them look bad. However, let’s not mistake who provoked things.

The reason I am exposing these realities is because our society cannot afford to continue to be uninformed, not when the CDC declared domestic violence a national health emergency over ten years ago after new research blew previous statistic assumptions out of the water. It’s one of the most insidious forms of oppression and it’s happening all around us. If you sense you may be in an abusive relationship, please know you are not alone—there are many resources and support I can offer if you reach out. If you suspect someone you love is being abused, also feel free to consult with me on how to best support them. Recovery is possible, and together, we can make a difference.

Demystifying Trauma

As a mental health professional who routinely screens for clients’ experiences of trauma, I have found that more often many clients do not identify with it out of a belief that it only pertains to veterans. Yet trauma is more broadly defined as violation of safety--physical, sexual, or well-being--that is experienced as overwhelming and intolerable. Besides war, other examples are childhood abuse, domestic violence, car accidents, natural disasters, witnessing grave harm done to another person, rape, severe bullying, etc. Traumas that violate trust, happen at a young age, and leave survivors with little support in the immediate aftermath tend to have more damaging, lasting effects.

               Traumatic experiences are not past events that we can just get over. Because they are experienced as overwhelming, traumatic memories are unable to be processed and stored like normal ones. Intrusive reminders continue to surface in the form of flashbacks, nightmares, and intense distress, leaving survivors feeling as if they are right there again. There seems to be no perceived separation of time, distance, or emotion from the original event.

These flooding symptoms are accompanied by opposite ones like avoidance of reminders, numbness, depression, and withdrawal. It’s almost like dealing with a jack-in-the-box. Unwanted triggers will pop up, leading to feelings of such overwhelm that they end up pushing them back down, but the constant up/down leaves their nerves in a constant rattled state. Every area of their lives end up to be negatively affected.

               Fortunately, there are therapeutic interventions that can help survivors lessen distress, reprocess memories, and take their life back. The type I facilitate is called Accelerated Resolution Therapy, which helps resolve trauma symptoms more quickly than traditional talk therapy. If you or someone you know could benefit from this, please reach out to me for a free consultation call.